You
might be wondering why we chose to be matched with a child with down
syndrome! Why not club feet or cleft lip? A simple fix. Well, to
answer your question, God chose down syndrome for us! In fact, when
we first started the adoption journey back in November of 2014, we
only looked at children and considered children with minor special
needs! But God intervened! Now when I look back at my past and Andy's
and mine together, I find it amazing how God was preparing us to have
a child with special needs! Here are some notes I've written from
back in those months how God guided us down this path to Zeke....
**Lets
start with our hearts! Andy and I always had a heart for down
syndrome. I'm talking about before we even seriously considered
adoption. We'd see a person with down syndrome and thought they were
the cutest people ever. We had a special interest in them, but we had
no idea that God was going to give us one of our own.
Does everybody feel this way or was this God preparing our hearts for
something bigger?
**When
I was young, I always had a desire to help people with special needs.
I was in grade school when my desire to help children with
disabilities came about. A group of children with special needs
joined our elementary school when I think I was in about 5th
grade. I spent all my recess time, free time, and any time I could
helping out in that room! I enjoyed spending time with those kids and
loved helping them! My desire grew. I started babysitting a little
girl with a special needs all through out high school. My mom thought
I was going to be a teacher for children with special needs. Then in
college, I got my training as a personal care worker and worked
helping the college kids on campus with disabilities. It was more
than a job to me. They became my friends! I loved helping them and
spending time with them! Was God preparing me
for my own child?
**Back
in November, there was one little boy with mild special needs with an
agency who we wanted to ask our pediatrician about. I took his file
with me for a Grady's wellness check he had. I wasn't sure what to
expect with our pediatrician because she seems very worldly and I
thought right away she would think we are crazy for wanting to adopt
a child with any medical needs! She always questioned our
homeschooling decisions so I thought no way was she going to be very
accepting of this! But we needed medical advice! Right away she saw
the little boy's diagnosis and said this isn't something we probably
want to deal with. It was extreme oxygen deprivation at birth which
could mean a lot of damage including brain damage. Randomly..... she
said.... if you guy are planning on adopting a child with special
needs, I would recommend a child with down syndrome!!! This is
coming from the Dr. that I thought for sure would be against adopting
a child with any medical need! And out of all the medical needs out
there, she mentioned down syndrome?! I was in shock! This was before
Andy and I even considered a child with down syndrome! We still were
only considering children with mild needs, but I went home with this
thought that God had used our doctor to tell me! Down syndrome. Was
God getting us ready for a child with down syndrome?
**Before
considering down syndrome, whenever I desperately searched for a
child, I constantly had an uneasy feeling of no peace. It's a feeling
I can't really explain, but it was a really uneasy feeling of no
peace whatsoever. Then after Grady's doctor apt, I started looking at
files of children with down syndrome, I felt a weird sense of peace
come over me. It was the craziest thing ever! I
believe that God was gently guiding my heart to the child he had
waiting for us, but I wasn't completely settled with it!
Though
I had a sense of peace knowing God's will for us might be a child
with down syndrome, I still had a lot of fear with that thought.
Would I be able to handle it? Could I still homeschool? Would he or
she be accepted with friends, family and church?
**We
went back and forth for a few days. Many times in those few days, I
decided, No way! I just can't do that! A child with down syndrome
would be too much! After talking to Andy one night, we agreed we
would pursue a child with less needs.... The very next day, I started
searching for that child with less needs! A child I thought “we”
could handle. Immediately, that sense of peace that I felt had left
me! It was that horrible uneasy feeling again!!!! At the end of that
day, I told Andy how I felt and he had told me that all day he
couldn't get down syndrome out of his head either. We then decided
to search for children with down syndrome despite our fears and
concerns. And the peace was back! The feeling
of peace was back! God was showing us His will! I just couldn't
believe how I was feeling! Was God's will for us to really have a
child with a more severe medical need?
Fear
ran through my head constantly. Sometimes to the point where I said,
no! I just can't! I can't handle that! My prayer would be, God.... I
can't handle a child with down syndrome! I just can't! But God, if
this is your will for us, please show us! If this is your will, then
I am willing to be obedient! This was my constant prayer! Not that I
wanted a child with down syndrome, but that I wanted to be
obedient to God! I know if this was His will, He would give
us the strength! This is the only way I would do it! A healthier
easier child sounded so much more tempting! God, please show us your
will! My words repeated Jesus' words to his Father in his last
days.... “not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42. I can't
imagine how hard that prayer had to be knowing what he was about to
face. But he trusted God. We too want to have
the attitude of Jesus! Not our will, but yours be done!
**How
often do you go to a party and find a child with down syndrome
there?! We had our nieces birthday party that we just arrived to.
This was in the midst of constant prayers of God showing us His will!
He put it on our hearts to look into a child with down syndrome. He
showed acceptance through our Dr! And now, he placed a sweet child
with down syndrome right in front of us! Andy and I both saw her and
were both like, Really God?! This is your will?! I felt his
reassurance! I spent some time with that little girl that day to get
a feel for what it may be like. I enjoyed her a lot! Our kids
didn't really understand her differences very much, but never were
opposed to her. Andy felt like it might be lot of work. I did too,
but something in me felt a sense of peace. But my flesh felt fear!
God was flashing his will in front of us, yet doubt and fear still
made us second guess it!
**A
little bit down the road in our adoption process (a month later) we
requested to see a few kids files that did not have down syndrome.
After all, we are open to down syndrome, but definitely not closed to
anything else. So we looked at other files, but every time, we both
had an uneasy feeling. We didn't feel right moving on with any of
these children. They clearly were not our children. They were Sweet.
Adorable. Mild needs. But God did not give us a
sense of peace about any of them. He clearly is still pointing us to
a child with DS.
**Then
I found Zeke! A child with no file! A child who was not able to be
adopted at the time! But a child I could not get off my mind! A child
I thought about constantly! Isn't it true you always want what you
can not have. Or at least I thought we could not have him. We prayed
for him! We asked why God had put him so heavily on our hearts! And
God answered our prayers!
We
are so happy to be matched with Zeke! Scared? Yes! Nervous? Yes! But
happy knowing this is God's will! Can we handle a child with down
syndrome? The answer is, not alone, but with God's help we can! He
will give us the strength we need! And we will depend on Him! We will
grow spiritually! We will learn! We will grow as a family! We will be
used by God! God will be glorified through this! And we will be
giving a child a chance in life!!!
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